Little Variations on My Page
by Tohrment222
Summary: Emma's thoughts on Henry's wedding day. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own OUAT. If I did, that nervous, anxious feeling you get in your stomach whenever Regina comes onscreen would go away ;)**

**Told from Emma's POV**

"The thing about love is, you can't always figure out why it comes along when it does. You just know it has, and you can't say no to it. Your heart tells you. You should never argue with your heart. It's smarter than your brain."

-From _Till Human Voices Wake Us_ by Patti Davis

Circles. Circles are neverending loops that promise us infinity. I sat on the bed and looked down at the gold ring on my left hand and my mind wanders back to the day I bought the simple adornments for me and my future wife. I gotta say I was amazed at how such a small thing could scare the hell outta me. I never pictured myself settled down into family life. I never thought I would be one of those stable 9-5ers who actually enjoyed heading home after clocking out. But things change sometimes. My things changed when I met the mother of my son.

I stood and walked from our bed to the window overlooking our backyard and watched the flurry of activity below. The first thing I noticed was the white gauzey material weaved through the branches of Regina's apple tree. The wind was barely blowing but it was enough to cause the material to flutter and press into the limbs. It was almost as if it was wrapping the tree in a hug. My eyes traveled down to the base of the tree where a white rectangle of heavy fabric was laid on the ground creating a small stage. It was there our son would pledge his devotion to the woman of his dreams.

My throat tightened as I thought about how that tree had been nurtured by my wife as it grew its first buds. How it had been tended to through the harshest winters and dryest summers. How it had been watered with tears of sadness through the years and had whispers of heartache pressed into its rings. How it had traveled realms and adjusted to air polluted with manmade toxins. How it had thrived and been the one constant my wife had known until Henry and I entered the picture. How it had been the backdrop for the day I pledged my devotion to Regina. Even with my eyes open I can visualize every moment of that day because it was the day I felt I was coming home. I hadn't even realized I had been lost.

Throughout my life, I had wandered from place to place. I remember Regina telling me I never stayed in one spot for long and didn't know how to grow roots. I learned to laugh about that conversation years later but it was hard to admit she had been right. Back then, we sparred over anything and everything. But I remember the day I started looking at her differently. I remember the moment the cataracts of irritation fell from my eyes which caused me to see her clearly.

Henry and I were sitting on the edge of his castle which was starting to lean to one side. She drove out and found us and ushered Henry back to her car before reprimanding me over allowing him to play around such a hazardous structure. I didn't say much during that argument but as I watched her car drive away, I realized just how much of an incredible mother to our son she was. I guess I was so focused on trying to form some sort of bond with Henry that I forgot to stop and think about all of those small things his mom had been there for and how much she had protected him. She had been the one to welcome him into a loving home when I signed away my rights. She had been the one to walk the floors holding him when he didn't feel well. She was the one who witnessed his first step and held his tiny hand as it cradled a pencil when he tried to write his name. She told me he said his first word sitting in his high chair in the kitchen watching her cook. It had been 'pie'. She was the mom who kicked off her shoes and crawled onto the floor in thousand dollar suits just to play cowboys and indians with her toddler. She was everything I could have ever dreamed possible for our son.

Speaking of our son, I saw him come into view as he walked down the middle aisle separating the rows of white chairs to speak to the guests as they started arriving. I watched him dressed in white tails with a red rose on his left lapel shaking hands and smiling widely while giving each person those few personal moments. That was the Regina in him shining through. He always knew how to make each person feel at ease and welcomed. I looked past him and saw hints of red setting off the decorations beginning and ending with that steadfast apple tree. It was a silent tribute to the one person who would only be here in spirit. It was another circle.

The funny thing about life is it can rob you of something so essential when you least expect it. Two months before the wedding, the other half of my heart had closed her eyes to this world. When we placed those gold circles on each others hands years ago, we thought we'd have decades of life to live in front of us. We had traversed realms together, fought ogres and dragons, and battled witches so powerful we almost lost everything but in the end we had won. Good had overcome evil and together we had been victorious. I guess I thought we were impervious to despair because we had beaten everything life had thrown into our path. So it came as a huge shock when the one thing that brought us to our knees wasn't some magical creature. It wasn't a horrible visit to a foreign realm. It was an everyday occurence in the world my wife was supposed to have her happy ending in. It was stage four breast cancer.

People get news like that every day but it's different when the news has your loved ones name attached to it. Life gets real in an instant. Henry wanted to postpone the wedding but Regina thought she might have enough time to actually be present for it. So the date remained. We did small tasks to help get things ready for the big day but my wife would tire easily and I would often find her asleep in our bed with her journal open. She had started writing letters to Henry for him to read on birthdays, anniversaries, his graduation from medical school and the birth of his children. I never read them. I hated that journal. It was a reminder that it would see memories my wife never would.

She never took any treatment because it would have only caused her more pain without adding any time to her life. I spent most nights wide awake as I held her. I tried to memorize how she smelled and how the warmth of her breath felt as her face pressed against my neck in her slumber. I would wrap my hands around her shrinking frame and will them to never forget how her body felt curled around me. I was trying so hard to be strong but in the darkness of night, I let myself break. We had spent our entire lives trying to find the one thing that was missing and now that we had it, it was being ripped away. She was being stolen from me and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop it. It seems cancer is resilient against everything.

I moved away from the window and reached for my jacket. I could hear the music starting downstairs so I knew it was almost time to head down. As the black sleeve slipped over my left hand, it brushed over that gold circle. I stood there for a moment looking down at my hand before I removed the ring to look at it. On the outside, it was scratched and looked a little worn but the inside was still smooth and as shiny as the day I had bought it. It was a great parallel to how my heart felt. On the outside, life had battered it so badly it was scarred all to pieces but on the inside, my love for my wife was as bright and shiny as it always was.

As I slipped that scratched gold circle back onto my left hand, I said a silent thank you for the time we shared together. Maybe our happy ending was that we had happiness for twelve years. Most people go their entire life and never find the other half of their heart. They die alone and abandoned by the very world that molded them. My wife and I were fortunate enough to find each other and celebrate happiness in many worlds.

I walked across the bedroom floor and headed downstairs. It was time for me to get escorted down to my place on the right side of those white chairs. As I walked down the stairs, I caught a glimpse of a picture from my wedding day and my steps faltered. The world became blurry as my wife's face stared back at me. I tried to stop the tears from streaming down my face but my heart, with all of its scratches and scars, felt like it was being squeezed without mercy. I took a deep breath, wiped the tears away, and lifted my chin as I resumed walking. I felt my wife's presence but feeling something and actually having it there were two totally different things. I had never felt so alone as I did when I took my place on the front row to help our son usher in a new phase to his life.

The day seemed to fly by in a whirlwind of music, vows, congratulations, toasts, dancing and cheerful goodbyes. After I hugged our son goodbye, I watched him close the car door and drive away with his new bride to celebrate their happy ending. It was a stark reminder that on this day of commitment and joy, I would truly be alone in our home for the first time. As the crowd faded away around me, I closed my eyes and looked up to let the sun wash over me. From behind my eyelids, the imprint of the sun filled my vision. A perfect, golden circle staring back at me. I smiled despite my sadness because circles are infinite loops and even though our time in this world was over, I had traveled enough to hang onto hope that there was an infinite amount of time waiting for me and my wife to spend together in another world. I had to hold onto that hope. I had to hold onto that possibility of magic and parallels. They say life always comes full circle. Well, for once I had faith in these 'they' people because all I knew to do now was wait for life to take me back around to her. I opened my eyes to face my time in this world. I would be patient because she was worth the wait. A circle, like True Love, is infinite.

**A/N:** **This was something I had an idea for awhile back so I sat down this morning and got it out of my system. It's a one-shot ramble. Hope you enjoyed it!**


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